RISE OF THE PLANET OF APES REVIEW!

PART I – (NO PLOT DIVULGED – SO READ AWAY IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT!)

Bravo!  The best sequel since “Beyond”.  I am a die-hard fan of “Planet Of The Apes”.  It is one of my top 3 movies of all time.  Nothing will top the original, but “Rise”, well titled I might add,  was “WIFA”!

My ratings are as follows for reviewing everything:  (restaurants, books, movies, travel destinations…)

 “BRIL” – Brilliant.

 “WIFA” – Wicked Fuckin’ Awesome

 “WA” – Wicked Awesome.

  “EH” – figure it out.

 “SUBS” – Sucks Balls.

The lead actor was an ape.  He was a stud!  A kind of chimp George Clooney on steroids.

Do you remember that movie “Indecent Proposal” with Robert Redford?  Ya know, the guy offers a million dollars to the husband to bang the wife?  One time I was speaking with my X husband about it.  He said, would you do it?  I said, “I would blow a dog for a million dollars!”.  Well, let’s just say this ape was pretty sexy.

And speaking of millions I won’t ever get,  it was nice to see that gorgeous woman from “Slum Dog Millionaire“.  I’d do her for a million!  A fine cast of actors like John Lithgow, and that dude that co-bombed hosting the Oscars supported the film.  The story was great, with a few weak points, but overall, very entertaining.  I am sure it will rack up Oscars for the effects.  And hopefully they will get a pro to host, like Steve Martin or Billy Crystal.  Actually, I’d love to see them give Lewis Black or Larry David a crack at it!

This film is worth paying to see in the theatre!  A “SPLURGER”.   I think I will add that to reviews!  And “WAVE” – Wait for Video.

It would have been nice to end it like “Slum Dog”, having all the apes and the hot chick dance on the Golden Gate Bridge.  And Don’t leave when the credits start!  There is an important scene.

Speaking of which, the second most ground breaking scenes in controversial kissing history was in the original P.O.A.   The first, of course, is Kirk and Uhura, on Star Trek.  Wait until you see how they trump it in this film!

But while we are on the subject, unfortunately, I couldn’t help but imagine a few Obama bashers making some sort of crack association.  But I got past that.

DO NOT PASS THIS POINT READING IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE FILM!!!

"But he's so damned ugly!"

PART II

Okay.  I loved it.  It was a blast!  It was like being at a bullfight and rooting for the bull, which made me feel a little guilty about my own species.  But it didn’t get the “BRIL” ranking for the following reasons:

This is really for the P.O.A. purist geeks, like me.

We know how they trumped the kiss!  With nothing!  No Nova Sub?  What the fuck?  There were some nostalgic lines and parallels in the plot, but no kiss?

I thought the perfect opportunity would have been after Caesar escaped from Ape-Catraz, and was hanging bedside at his former home.  He could have at least spanked the monkey on Smokin’ Hot Samosa Girl!  And if a little got on What’s his Face?  Caesar had every right.  He was pretty pissed-off.

For a second there, I thought it might get racy when Caesar’s shirt got ripped off with all the fellas.  It was San Francisco!  But nope.

And when he turned down Daddy’s offer to take him back home, I heard echos of  “ATTICA, ATTICA”!

GAPING HOLE IN PLOT ALERT!  I was wondering how the brainiac scientists hadn’t noticed that “Bright Eyes” was pregnant.

I found the grumpy neighbor to be a bit over the top.  How could anyone be that much of an asshole?  (The sort that fit the profile of the guy joking about apes and Obama.)

I also thought the director could have yelled “CUT!” when the mean prison guy said, “Take your stinking”….  I know it is impossible to fill Chuck’s shoes in delivering one of the greatest lines of all time!  I mean, to this day, I scream, “YEAH!” every time it comes in the movie, even though I know it’s coming!   I have seen it at least 20 times!  That line could have been done better.   Actually, that guy was the weakest actor.

The technology used for the Apes was superb.  But it would have been cool to have used the good old-fashioned costumes.

The most tender, emotional shot was taken from an above camera looking down at James Franco’s arm against Lithgow’s arm in blue-striped pajamas, after he had passed away.  I got choked up.  And also when they left Caesar at Ape-Catraz.  Wah!

Although sad, I really dug the Alzheimer’s route.  I truly hope someone invents that drug before I go completely bananas.  However, the ending, implying the demise of the human race via virus? What about the nuclear war?  The mutants that worshiped the bomb?

Maybe you thought the same thing about the sequel.  Obviously, “Cornelia” (the female chimp), hooks up with Caesar.  That’s a no brainer.  And of course, their son is named “Cornelius”, which brings us back to the original.  But how do we explain half a Statue O’ Liberty on the beach?  She could not have gotten the virus!

So I figured it out.

Scene I of Sequel:  Gorillas in Gay Bars and Simions smokin’ weed on Haight – Ashbury.

The Rest:  Because there is no healthcare, eventually the virus wipes out the entire human population, with the exception of a special group that develops a tolerance, because they lack something in a normal brain structure.  Common sense.  So the only folks left are the Tea Baggers.  They can’t handle the pot smoking faggot apes, and blow up the earth.  (They are the Mutants!)  But Taylor, the head of the N.R.A,  wanting to spread his love for guns around the universe, before the explosion, takes off in a space ship.  Vuala!   “Planet of the Chumps?”

“THEY FINALLY DID IT… DAMN YOU TO HELL!”

**ALTERNATE SEQUEL WRITTEN BY TEA BAGGIN’ BIRTHERS:

Beautiful Indian woman is really a Muslim.  She and What’s his Face have a baby girl.  Caesar and Cornelia have a baby boy.  The two kids fall in love, and run away to Hawaii, because no one will accept the interracial species marriage.  They have a kid they name Barack.  The Tea Baggers finally prove that our President is not White enough.  They impeach him and pray away all the fags, pot smokers, apes, and anyone that does not watch FOX News.   And they live happily ever after.  “IT’S A MAD HOUSE!”

I miss you Chuck.