Archive for the 'Music' Category

23
Feb
18

Holy Shit! WHEN I SING World Premiere is SOLD OUT!

HOLY SHIT!  WHEN I SING WORLD PREMIERE…SOLD OUT!  at HRIFF! Hollywood, baby!

We just pulled up from Tucson on horses to Hollywood, to our Director’s house, Robin Russin.  I had the WHEN I SING backdrop thingy delivered there, known as a “step and repeat”.  That’s the thing on a red carpet, where everyone poses in front of – to say “I was there!”  (Of course ours is not gigantic, on our indie budget.)

Well, there is good news and bad news.  The good news is that WE ARE SOLD OUT!  Robin got a phone call from a friend, while we were there. “Man! I went to the site, and there are no more tickets to When I Sing!”  WHAT?! Robin and I just looked at each other, eyeballs practically popping out.  The bad news is not everyone who wanted to go, can see the movie yet, or pose like this…

 

(Consider these the “before” photos.  I’ll be dressing up for the premiere!)

Thank you Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festival for selecting my little life’s story to premiere in the city of angels. Hopefully I will find the perfect angel distributor, so the millions of people just dying to see WHEN I SING (Hey, I can dream!) will be able to see it soon enough.

 

SOLD OUT

Stay tuned for more stuff you probably don’t give a shit about.

Check out the movie trailer here!

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18
Feb
18

Holy Shit! World Premiere of WHEN I SING. Part 2: Thank you Robin Russin

One week from today, my life’s story, WHEN I SING, made with my life’s savings, and a lot of help from my friends (sing that line like Ringo), will premiere at the Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festival. Hoo Ha. (And my jaw is clinched at 5 am as I write).

How self-absorbed is it, when one make’s a movie about….themselves?! I swear, it’s a great story, not because it happened to me, but just because it happened. And I hope that under the constraints of my meager budget, that we were able to pull off conveying the story.  It wasn’t easy.  But, to start, it wouldn’t have been possible without…me.  I’m kidding – Robin Uriel Russin, my cousin by marriage.  In fact, we call it “An Odd Cousins Film”.

Odd?  Well, besides the fact that he’s a road scholar, who graduated from Harvard, and I’m a University of Miami drop-out, we were at odds during the filming, because being my life’s story, and having lived every minute, I felt compelled to direct the director.  Oops. So, if there is an award for tolerating me, Robin gets it.  (Well, and everyone else.)  I did direct a few scenes when Robin couldn’t be around on certain locations, and it was fun…I had a good teacher…Robin.

Initially, because of the extremely low-budget, I figured I’d be doing most everything…because I don’t have to pay myself. And I wore so many hats that I’m surprised I didn’t break my neck. I mean, I made fucking sandwiches and dragged wardrobe and props and set up the scenes to save money, in between acting.  And I assumed I would be directing, because I had no choice…

BUT then Robin asked me “Who’s Directing?”

Linda: “Uhhh, I guess I am.”

Robin: “I’ll take a semester off of teaching at UCR and direct, if you want”.

Are you shitting me?!  Wow.  You’d do that for me? Well, he did it.  (Robin helped me edit my book, Who the F**K is Linda Chorney, which WHEN I SING is based on, thus, he was quite familiar with my story…and believed it was a good one to tell!) Not only did he make huge, personal sacrifices to direct the movie, but when we ran out of money, he received a grant from UCR, (which paid for my co-editor, Robert Murphy).  Of all of the projects he has done, Robin chose WHEN I SING to go for a grant.  Incredible. He saved me from breaking my neck, while I busted his balls.  It was a perfect match! And although we are, indeed, odd cousins, we are more like brother and sister, who fight, but love and respect each other, greatly.  (Thanks for marrying him, Sarah!)

When_I_Sing-Jan31-SET1-1024x640

(Robin and I having yet another discussion about a scene – while co-star, Maxwell Scott, playing the roll of “Scott”, hung in there. “Here they go again…”)

And WHEN I SING is our child.  (That sound’s really weird).  So, I don’t know if Robin is clinching his jaw as much as I am, mine,  but I do know he’s ready to hand out cigars next Sunday. February 25th!  If you happen to be in the Los Angeles area, come to the premiere! Meet Felix and Oscar on the red carpet, (guess which one I am?), and other stars of WHEN I SING, including Chris Mulkey and Marion Ramsey. See cast here!

When_I_Sing-Jan31-WaveLabs2

(Robin directing Evan Grae Davis, our DP, of live performance with Chris Mulkey and me.)

A tremendous thank you to University of California, Riverside. No one can hurt me, when I have money to pay the bills!  (For those of you unfamiliar with lyrics from title track, WHEN I SING, the chorus says “no one can hurt me when I sing.”)  Get it!?

Stay tuned for Part III!

 

14
Feb
18

HOLY SHIT! WHEN I SING WORLD PREMIERE!! Part ONE – I’m stepping up, Neil Portnow.

Stepping up?  Check! Making a movie about my fucked up story?  Check! Self-Absorbed squared?  Check!  Hardest thing I have ever accomplished in my life?  Check! Getting it done with A LOT of help from my friends?  Check!  Now I just need a check!

I know. I know.  No one gives a shit if I just spent my life’s savings to tell my life’s story…apparently, that’s nothing unique in the film world.  Will it pay off? Why did I do this?  It’s insane to go to the lengths I have in order to get the truth out about what happened to me as a result of my historical/hysterical Grammy nomination.  In short, it’s the artist’s ridiculous quest for validation.  Check!

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE!

WHEN I SINGFor those of you unfamiliar, I was the first truly independent artist to be nominated for Best Americana Album, in 2012, for my double album, Emotional Jukebox, which my stalker turned husband, forced me to submit for Grammy consideration.  Let’s just say that the industry didn’t welcome this 50 year old, life time road warrior female musician.  Would I not have gotten as much flack if I had a dick? Chick Check! 

The timing of the release of WHEN I SING couldn’t be better!  I have to thank Neil Portnow for his words.  “Women need to step up to win awards” .  I stepped up a virtual Mount Everest to try and reach the top of my career, and when I got nominated, I thought I was there. I was so naive that I thought The Recording Academy would actually invite me to sing on the show, since I was the first indie to achieve this.  But instead, they changed the rules to prevent the unknown underdogs, while capitalizing on my nomination publicly, dangling a carrot for more hopefuls to join as a member.  Neil Portnow’s quote about me in the Associated Press:  “It shows everybody has a shot,” Portnow said. “That really is the truth.”

Linda Chorney quote:  “Meh.”

I’ve organized a petition, working along side members, and we hope The Recording Academy can step up to a democracy again.  Then maybe more women (and Indies) will be nominated and win awards.

But now back to me! Please, if you are in the Los Angeles area, come to the World Premiere of WHEN I SING, on Sunday, February 25th, at The Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festival!

Get tickets here!!

Make sure you scroll down to WHEN I SING at 8:15 show!  We are finalists for PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARD! Come early (7:15) and pose on the carpet with some of our cast, including Chris Mulkey, Marion Ramsey, Miles Anderson, Kiki Ebsen, Mari Nobre, Eli Panero…and the chick in the corner!

In PART TWO – I’ll boast about all of our incredible cast and crew!

**p.s. I hate the photo they used of me in AP article that went to 100 countries. The photographer was great…and had better shots.  (This issue is actually a scene in the movie!)

 

 

 

05
Jan
18

GRAMMY MEMBERS RESPECTFULLY SIGN PETITION FOR TRANSPARENCY.

“I’d like to thank the members of the Academy”, is generally how one’s acceptance speech begins in all of these award shows. But which members of the academy, (who all pay their dues) are they thanking?  Is the awards process a democracy? How do they choose from the thousands of brilliant and not so brilliant songs, movies, plays and shows? Many members would like transparency in the steps involved of the decision process.  While others prefer to have us “pay no attention to what’s behind the curtain!”  (But pay!) Right now, just weeks before The Grammys, members of The Recording Academy are paying attention along with their dues, and have signed a respectful petition. 

 

The-Man-Behind-the-Curtain

Perhaps this doesn’t mean much to the public.  If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone say “The Grammys are a joke”, I’d have enough money to pay my dues! But the reality is that we all pay our dues to belong to this organization, because we care about music, and it’s fun to be a part of it, but we most certainly want our votes to count. Do they?  Here is the petition:

 

PREAMBLE
Your undersigned fellow members of The Recording Academy have respectfully signed this petition, which offers discussion points and related proposed revisions  in hopes of improving the Awards process for all members. As The Recording Academy is at its core a representation of the democratic process, and presently, several categories honor recognizing the members’ majority votes to determine the five nominees, we propose the items outlined herein. We welcome an open discussion on these and other topics in order to strengthen and enhance the Recording Academy and its goals relating to the GRAMMY Awards.

NATIONAL NOMINATION REVIEW COMMITTEES                                                                    It is our understanding that in certain categories, The National Nomination Review Committees currently consider the top 15 entries through members’ majority vote, with the option of adding 2 Wild Card slots, (to recognize outstanding work not receiving majority votes), for a total of 17 entries. Then The National Nomination Review Committees vote to determine the 5 Nominees. As The Recording Academy has implemented this Wild Card component to the awards nomination process in order to recognize the very best entries under consideration, we believe the following additional proposed items, taken together or individually, will assist members in understanding and fully appreciating the review and nomination process:

(A) We propose recognition of the members’ majority vote in all categories (with the exception of “CRAFT” categories), and that if not recognized in all categories, at minimum, that the daytime award categories recognize members’ majority vote.

(B) Alternatively, we propose honoring the nominations of the top 4 members’ majority voted entries, and determine the 5th Nomination slot via The National Nomination Review Committees’ majority vote, from Entries 5-15 (the eleven remaining of the top 15), with the option of adding one Wild Card slot to the selection.

(C) We propose that a Certificate of Excellence be made available to recognize those Entrants who earned the top 15 in their category. This certificate could be purchased for the same price, and in the same manner that additional certificates are bought for those who participated in Grammy Nominated projects.

INCREASED TRANSPARENCY
To promote support for all aspects of the awards process and increase member understanding of promotional restrictions in order to avoid related violations, we propose that the following areas be more clearly defined:

(A) DEFINE UNWRITTEN RULES OF SOLICITATION.
It is our understanding that entries earning the top votes have been disregarded/disqualified because they had “too many votes,” or were labelled as “over-soliciting,” or the artists and any participants seeking consideration in an entry, belong to certain social media groups. We request these guidelines/rules be clearly defined and provided to members, and that the guidelines be applied to all members including major labels, independent labels, and independent individuals.

(B) DEFINE BLOC VOTING. It is our understanding that The Recording Academy disqualifies some entries on the basis of “Bloc Voting.” We request these guidelines/rules be clearly defined and provided to members, and that the guidelines be applied to all members including major labels, independent labels, and independent individuals. We would also like to define what function the Deloitte accounting firm has in determining these bloc voting ballots.

AWARDS CEREMONY TICKETS
The GRAMMY Awards is the premier event for music professionals, particularly Academy members. As such, due to the related demand, tickets often sell out in a matter of seconds. To ensure that Academy members are able to participate in the most important event of the year in the music community, we propose that Daytime Program tickets are made available for sale, as a separate event from the Evening Awards, at a more affordable price.

We are confident that the Trustees of The Recording Academy will review our proposed revisions to the awards process, and we thank you in advance for your consideration.

Respectfully submitted, the undersigned Academy members:

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Is that asking too much?

And now for a little history.  I’ve only been a member for 6 years, and I was fortunate enough to have been nominated for Best Americana Album my first year!  How did I get nominated? Americana is a part of all Roots categories, which include genres like Folk and Blues.  All of those categories, in 2012, were a de·moc·ra·cy /dəˈmäkrəsē/. noun – Control of an organization or group by the majority of its members.  Miraculously, I, (someone self-produced, without a label, publicist, or manager) made history as the first recording artist to be honored with the top 5 votes in Americana, for Emotional Jukebox.  (my 6th album.)

The following year, Billboard’s Grammy issue used my name as an example of how The Recording Academy opens doors to all, and Neil Portnow, President of NARAS, said my nomination proved the organization had a level playing field!  Pretty cool, huh?  And then membership doubled.  Why? I suppose it was because other Independent Recording Artists thought they, too, might have a shot!

Slightly before the magazine article, I received a letter and phone calls from a Louis Meyers, head of the “Folk Alliance”; and co-founder of South by Southwest. (A famous music/film festival in Austin, Texas).  I had never met Mr. Meyers before, but he was kind enough to reach out to me.  He told me that he had supported my album, and was extremely unhappy about a huge change made within the organization, which affected his “folkees” as well.  He gave me his permission to use this letter in a book I wrote.  (Unfortunately, he passed away, recently. RIP.)

From: Louis Meyers <louis@folk.org>
Date: Sat, Nov 3, 2012 at 8:36 PM
Subject: Grammy Rule #2
To: Linda Chorney <lindaxxxxchorney@gmail.com>

Hi Linda,

Still having fun?

Don’t know if you heard that they changed the rules on the Roots Category this year, but have not told anyone yet.  This year, the first round voters will not determine the final five in each category.  They will determine the top 20 and a committee will determine which records make it to the final five.

I had lunch with the XXXX NARAS Director and he told me like everyone knew.  He appeared quite surprised once he realized that they have never informed the Grammy members of this major change.  So, the voting process now has zero integrity and all the praise that Neil gave your efforts were complete BS.  He made sure that you and every other regular hard working artist will never have a chance to get to the final five again.

Thought you should know.

Best, Louis

As I included this letter in my book, (the truth), perhaps it was a coincidence, but the following year, all of a sudden, The Recording Academy comes out with this “GRAMMY GOLD” chart, making transparent, all categories that have committees, and those which do not.

But there were still quite a few that did not.  Why did they cave in Roots/Americana?  Well, let’s just say that the powers that be in Americana were not happy about my nomination.  I was not one of them, and no one profited off of my nomination.  It all started with a bullying campaign on facebook by a publicist, planting a seed that I somehow cheated to get my nomination. It’s in my TED talk. But enough about me.

The following year, an unknown, Al Walser, was nominated for Best Dance Recording.  And membership increased, yet again!  At the time this category belonged to EDM, and it was a de·moc·ra·cy.  This caused shitstorm number 2 amongst the EDM community. Lo and Behold, the following year, a committee was put in place to decide all nominees in that field.

The trend continued with RAP and even New Age!?  WTF?

So we have signed a petition.  Who is we?  Members who want the Recording Academy to succeed with true democracy, and are not intimidated by others poo poo’ing our quest.  Here are the top 5 reasons we hear for not signing.

  1. “It’s been done before, and nothing happens. They don’t give a shit, and they are going to do what they want. You are wasting your time.”  But we are supposedly “they”! We pay our dues to be “they”!
  2. “I have an album I’m submitting. I don’t want to make waves!” Or they even go as far as snitching on those of us trying to make a difference, thinking they might get brownie points, while reaching for a brass ring that has been rigged.  Nailed down to prevent them from grabbing.
  3. “I don’t want to get blacklisted or thrown out”.  Some of The brown nosers above, in reason number 2, go as far as attempting to intimidate members into not signing.
  4. “I like the committees just the way they are.”  And of course one does not have to agree with us.  That really is the only reason for not signing that I can respect.
  5. “This is a private matter.”  Yeah, that reminds me of folks who beat their kids.

 

Well, some of us feel beat, but not beaten.  For some, this is a last attempts to improve the voting process, or forever hold on to our money that we shell out every year to be members.  Even if they don’t change a damn thing, and more committees appear, at least members and potential future members can decide, based on knowing what their dues buy.

And I’m not saying the Recording Academy doesn’t do great things, and have its advantages!  I’ve met tons of great people, heard incredible music, made close friends, and the organization does amazing things for childrens’ education, and Music Cares.  Plus, oh yeah, I got friggin’ nominated for a Grammy!

I got my nod, I got my story, and not only did I write a book, I just made a freakin’ movie about it!  It’s called WHEN I SING.  (coming soon!) But as Louis Meyers put it,  “He made sure that you and every other regular hard working artist will never have a chance to get to the final five again.”  I’d like more artists to have a fair shot at the brass ring, instead of the same old people coming up to the podium saying, “I’d like to thank the members of The Academy.”

Don’t thank me, or thousands of us.  We didn’t vote for you, a committee did.

 

 

 

 

 

24
Jun
17

Grammy’s change the rules again…because of the way James Comey treated Hillary Clinton.

As Ronald Raegan would say, “Well, there you go again.”  I learned, as someone nominated for a Grammy, that getting awards can be as bad, and full of shit as politics.

Ya know how bills are passed that have a lot of pork and earmarks? Well the latest from the Recording Academy is filled with oink and skid marks.  How so?

Here is the article from The Associated Press.    The headline?  “Grammys switching to online voting, changes top album rule.”

Okay. That sounds cool and reasonable, as long as the votes aren’t hacked, which I do not personally see as an issue. In fact, it would be nice if voting in USA for government positions could work that way..and actually be obligatory, to possibly prevent a total idiot from becoming POTUS.

What the headline from the AP neglects to mention, is the pork.  And of course, most people have A.D.D. and only read headlines.  (below taken from the AP article.)

“Bill Freimuth, the academy’s senior vice president of awards, said the academy expects to attract younger voters and touring musicians who are away from home during voting season.”

said of online voting, which comes a year after the Latin Grammys made the switch.

Freimuth said there were concerns about security issues, but added they have “done everything we can to make sure the integrity of the system will be preserved.”

INTEGRITY?

I read that word, and spit out my tea. Let’s talk about integrity.  (And by the way, I have met Bill Freimuth, and he is a really nice guy, and I’m sure his intentions are honorable, but….)

I repeat. Let’s talk about integrity, shall we?  Please allow me to dissect his statement.

“attract younger voters, and touring musicians who are away from home during voting season.”

99% of these touring musicians – and younger “voters” also want a shot at the brass ring. The academy welcomes these voters with open arms to pay their dues, and participate. But they don’t really trust the paying voters to make the right decisions. How can I say that? Answer? One word.

COMMITTEES.

When I was nominated, in 2012, there were no committees in “Americana” and all roots categories across the board, thus it was a democracy of the voting members who decided  the top 5 nominees, by majority vote, and then the winner, in the same manner.

The following year, without transparency to the voting members, they changed the rules, and put in a committee to decide the top 5, vs. the democratic vote, because, God forbid, another indie, like myself, gets past the gatekeepers. I put these facts in my book, “Who the Fuck Is Linda Chorney”, (I also mentioned it at the time to the Press, and they didn’t give a shit) – and then, the following year, after my book release, (read at least a thousand times!) all of a sudden, The Recording Academy decided to be transparent.  (My transparency? Yes, that was a slight plug for my book. tee hee.)

Then in 2013, Al Walser, another Indie, was  nominated for a Grammy in Dance Electronic category. At the time, this too was a democracy. Low and behold, the following year, they put in a committee to decide the top 5 in all Dance stuff.

Still, a few categories remained  true democracies, thus completely independent artists grabbed that brass ring, and some even won in New Age, Rap, and Contemporary Instrumental genres. And you bet your ass, lots of touring musicians joined, and paid their dues, in hopes of having their shot! Membership doubled after my nomination, alone, being the first in history to get the nod in Americana. (Imagine me taking a bow.)

BUT NOT ANYMORE!  (Say like Inspector Clouseau, after he trashed the “priceless Steinway”.)

The Below excerpt, is taken from the same AP article, for dissection number 2, also coinciding with spitting out more tea.

Other changes include nomination review committees added to the rap, contemporary instrumental and New Age genres. The committees serve as an additional layer of checks and balances, and for rap, could prevent wins like Macklemore & Ryan Lewis in 2014 over Kendrick Lamar, which were highly criticized. It could also allow rising acts to earn nominations over veteran performers like Eminem and Kanye West, who consistently earn nominations.

“We form these committees only when we hear from … those genre communities (when) they feel like something’s wrong, or that our nominations could be better,” said Freimuth. “For rap, what they were finding was that ‘legacy’ artists, almost no matter what they released, they would get a nomination because of their name recognition and fan base.”

 

“Layer of checks and balances.”  Bwahahahahhaa! = CONTROL.

Justification for committees – “It could also allow rising acts to earn nominations over veteran performers like Eminem and Kanye West, who consistently earn nominations.”

PA-LEEEZE!

Here’s the deal. “It could also prevents no-names, without labels, where no gatekeepers profit off of their nominations, and spares the Recording Academy the embarrassment of the likes of a Linda Chorney getting nominated.”  THAT’S ALSO WHAT IT MEANS.

Which brings me to the title of my blog. The Recording Academy’s justification for putting in these committees, is as valid as Donald J. Trump’s justification for firing James Comey.  (Because of the way he was unfair to Hillary Clinton. Such an outrage!)

Now the tea has come out of my nose.  (Maybe I should run for a governor of The Recording Academy and add my 2 cents.  I’m reading Al Franken’s “Giant of the Senate”, and cannot believe the bullshit he has to put up with. I don’t think I could handle it…or they could handle me. I am still a voting member. They have not yet kicked me out.) Again, I digress.

Of course, putting in committees to decide the top Nominees for President of The United States, might not be such a bad idea. Because, it would give Macklemore & Ryan Lewis a better chance than Kanye West.

 

 

14
May
17

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY FOR NON-MOTHERS

This is an encore of a blog I wrote 4 years ago…and it still rings true today.

If you don’t have any kids, and it’s Mother’s Day, things can get weird.  No flowers. Eventually I thought I’d get a bouquet.

Of course celebrating the due respect and love to my Mom is wonderful every year! Showing my appreciation for her raising me, and giving me unconditional love my entire life.

Of course, it’s lovely to celebrate mothers, period. It is the most important role of the world, in my opinion.

Women are the stronger of the two sexes, no doubt about it. But somehow we fail to pass on the peaceful gene to men. Not all men, just the ones who resort to violence. I read this poem this morning.

Written by ~Julia Ward Howe, 1870

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of tears!… We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says “Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.

The poem goes on, and just goes into detail of how senseless war is.

Mother’s Day was originally made for the purpose to call upon women to unite in their strength, compassion, wisdom, and non-violent ways, to influence men…(boys) to stop fighting!

WTF? Nothing changes.

Which bring me back to our exclusive, minority group of non-mothers. That would be me…and maybe you.

I guess there are 3 reasons why we don’t have kids.

1) We can’t for physical reasons

2) We don’t want them

3) We wanted them, but it just never happened. We did not have the balls to take the big step. Or find the right man attached to the balls.

I’d like to elaborate on number three. It was a tough call for me, starting at age twenty, when I first got married. I felt like I was still a kid…let me wait a couple of years. Then those couple of years past….let me wait a couple more years before I get tied down to that responsibility…then a couple more years…let me travel a little bit first….then a couple more years…I’m not sure I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this man….let me wait a couple more years….no, not that guy…let me wait a couple more years…hmmm, I better hurry if I want to have kids…then a few more years…aw, fuck it.

But did I really want them? YES! I wanted to be a mother. I still do! I would be a loving mother. Children are so precious! I want one!  I talked myself out of it for the following reasons…starting with THE number one reason.

1) The future does not look too good. (Refer to poem written by Julia, who had no idea what new toys men would invent for more efficient killing machines.)   (This is also a very convenient excuse for not having the balls to take the big step.)

2) Boy would that change my life style! I have hung around children having tantrums, and say to myself,

“HOLY SHIT. I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT!”  While at the same time wondering if I had to deal with that, how would I handle it? Sometimes I think Mother’s are too understanding, and give in when their kid is demanding their way. But many display an extraordinary amount of patients and love. They are fucking superstars! I don’t know how you do it, but my compliments. You are incredible. I was told that I was a bit of a brat, too. Sorry Mom. (This is why you should go all out on Mother’s day for your Mom!)

But I know for sure I would never resort to violence….hitting my kid. I’m sure it is difficult to not lose it. I watch Mom’s struggle when they can’t control their child. But I also want to take a kid away from a Mom I see at a store, for example, squeezing or yanking their kid’s arm inappropriately. (Some women should consider birth control more often.)

3) Although having a child with your DNA is amazing; creating a “mini-me,” if I did actually have the balls to grow up and take on the responsibility of a child, I would have also considered adopting. Too many kids out there that need the love of a mother already.

4) Vanity

5) Scared it would hurt too much! (What a pussy I am!) If I did have one, knock me out, and wake me when it’s over

6) My work. Singing in bars, (with smoke back then) I could not imagine myself on stage with a big belly, with my guitar slung over my shoulder, sucking in second-hand smoke. (I can’t believe it took so fucking long for that law to pass!) BTW – SHAME ON YOU MOTHER”S WHO SMOKE PREGNANT, or around your kids.  I’m one of those people who says something. (I am such a judgmental biatch.)

7) Finding the man I could commit to – to be the Daddy.

Well, that’s about it. And after all of that, no kids. I was hoping one day Mother’s day would not just be for my Mom. So it’s a little weird.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Please pass this on to any woman you know without a kid.

I’m sending you a bouquet for just being a loving woman!  (Knowing we will never know the love of our own child is hard, but we’ll get over it.)

Happy Weird Day

Happy Weird Day Sister

P.S. I have given birth to 7 albums and book, a documentary, and am expecting a feature length film, due to deliver in a few months.  They are my kids.

30
Mar
17

Fifty WHAT?!

It’s the last 24 hours of my 56th year. What the fuck?! Somebody please take the foot of the accelerating aging pedal! I go from being invincible to – “Holy Shit, I’m looking in the mirror at an adolescent trapped in old lady’s body!” I still have tons of energy. I don’t think like an old fart…well, except that I don’t like loud music, and I can’t tolerate people. Okay. I’m more like a grumpy old man trapped in the body of an old lady.

The difference between 50 and 57? Yikes! From age 55-56 I developed the turkey neck. Not gobbling that up. I saw photographs of me on stage, granted the lighting sucked, but now I see the wrinkled neck…(barely, because my eyesight is not as keen. I guess ignorance is bliss. If my eyesight is bad enough, I can’t see the pours in my face, or the occasional whisker on my chin that is 2 centimeters long. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM!? Pluck.

And though I am still Speedy Gonzales, I’m not sure if speedy pulled a muscle every time he put on his sneakers! I pulled out my back while clipping my toe nails. And the mind? Oh the mind. Never experienced anxiety and clinching ones teeth before the last decade. Worrying about shit I could care less about before. But also, as you get older, fact is, you lose close friends, and worse than that, family, dropping like flies. And even idols…favorite actors and musicians that only your generation will know, love, appreciate, and quote…and get it. You can waste a perfectly good joke that will go over most people’s heads, because they really don’t relate. It’s not that they’re dumb. They just never experienced the classic humor or talent of a Maxwell Smart.

And here comes the grumpy old man in me – humor is so crude these days. Shock value is one thing, but anyone can go to extremes, being sexually explicit. It’s almost contrived. Back in my day, (and please do imagine myself on a rocking chair with an exaggerated old timer accent), people were clever and funny. Now many of the comedies and comedians go to lengths for laughs that leave me with a sour face.

And then of course, because the priority is no longer sex, sex, and sex for a married woman in her late 50’s, we tend to get involved in politics. And this is the saddest state I have ever seen in my lifetime. It is pure insanity. We are truly moving backward. Facts and logic are out the door, along with my thirst for sex. So the best substitute is watching the entire country get fucked by complete incompetent, lying unqualified assholes and ignoramuses. Political Porn.

Oh Linda, do you have anything nice to say?  Yeah. I still love to eat. Eating brings me great pleasure. Ah, but then I think about all of the starving refugees. I sit here in my cushy life, which I have not much to complain about…(although without my own child – biggest regret of my life)…and wonder how I can make a difference for these poor people. Oh! Maybe I should invite a family into my house. I have enough room. But then I think, they will take too long of a shower. And then I have to talk to them. And then I’ll learn what a horrific existence they have had. And how there are millions more like them. If you REALLY think about it, it will drive you insane. I believe I am still quite sane. (Although I am becoming forgetful.)

I have my shit together, other than blatantly not giving a shit how I act in public. If I want to be silly, and blurt out a silly sound while opening a heavy door, I will! And then I will laugh, because it’s funny–while others who might have observed this action, will look at me as if I am nuts.  And OMG, Millennials, or whatever you call those smug young, entitled, know-it-nothing-alls, nose up in the air, who don’t know shit about anything, and how the generations before them fought for their lattes, judging you without credentials.

And then there are the “alternative facts” cancerous beings on the planet. Seriously? I’m out of order? The whole damn court is out of order. Our 4 fathers are rolling over in their graves. But at least my father is still alive, but he is rolling over, losing sleep over witnessing the most illogical, lying, manipulating, selfish fucks ruining this country and the world! There comes a point where I just want to shut off the entire corrupt, upside-down lot of them, and live in my bubble. But it’s not enough for me. I must make a difference. Through my art? I dunno. I enjoy doing that.  So, how do I really make a difference? Even with one star fish?

As I don’t have kids, and I have a great love for them, this summer I have volunteered to work with The Boys and Girls Club of Tucson, to start a summer program in performing arts, and create a play with the kids. Bring them into a stimulating, fun, creative environment, and hopefully bring them some joy, inspiration, and guidance to give them a more fulfilling life. Compassion. Not enough people have it these days. It’s all about them. Fuck the planet! Who needs clean air? Fuck you Trump. You are aging me. And so is the air you are fucking.

The best birthday present I could ask for on Friday, is for justice. Stop all the lying. Clean those fuckers out of the White House. Talk about wrinkles? That clown needs to be impeached. (With a bow on it, please!)

Ahhh, aging. The only thing is that it gives you license to babble. And at 3:55 am, my mind just won’t shut up. What should I do for my birthday? Have an anxiety attack, and eat cake. Pull a muscle while blowing out the candles.  (Holy Shit, I am 57)50th-Birthday-Cake-Ideas-Toilet-Paper

 




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