Archive for the 'Movies' Category

23
Feb
18

Holy Shit! WHEN I SING World Premiere is SOLD OUT!

HOLY SHIT!  WHEN I SING WORLD PREMIERE…SOLD OUT!  at HRIFF! Hollywood, baby!

We just pulled up from Tucson on horses to Hollywood, to our Director’s house, Robin Russin.  I had the WHEN I SING backdrop thingy delivered there, known as a “step and repeat”.  That’s the thing on a red carpet, where everyone poses in front of – to say “I was there!”  (Of course ours is not gigantic, on our indie budget.)

Well, there is good news and bad news.  The good news is that WE ARE SOLD OUT!  Robin got a phone call from a friend, while we were there. “Man! I went to the site, and there are no more tickets to When I Sing!”  WHAT?! Robin and I just looked at each other, eyeballs practically popping out.  The bad news is not everyone who wanted to go, can see the movie yet, or pose like this…

 

(Consider these the “before” photos.  I’ll be dressing up for the premiere!)

Thank you Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festival for selecting my little life’s story to premiere in the city of angels. Hopefully I will find the perfect angel distributor, so the millions of people just dying to see WHEN I SING (Hey, I can dream!) will be able to see it soon enough.

 

SOLD OUT

Stay tuned for more stuff you probably don’t give a shit about.

Check out the movie trailer here!

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18
Feb
18

Holy Shit! World Premiere of WHEN I SING. Part 2: Thank you Robin Russin

One week from today, my life’s story, WHEN I SING, made with my life’s savings, and a lot of help from my friends (sing that line like Ringo), will premiere at the Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festival. Hoo Ha. (And my jaw is clinched at 5 am as I write).

How self-absorbed is it, when one make’s a movie about….themselves?! I swear, it’s a great story, not because it happened to me, but just because it happened. And I hope that under the constraints of my meager budget, that we were able to pull off conveying the story.  It wasn’t easy.  But, to start, it wouldn’t have been possible without…me.  I’m kidding – Robin Uriel Russin, my cousin by marriage.  In fact, we call it “An Odd Cousins Film”.

Odd?  Well, besides the fact that he’s a road scholar, who graduated from Harvard, and I’m a University of Miami drop-out, we were at odds during the filming, because being my life’s story, and having lived every minute, I felt compelled to direct the director.  Oops. So, if there is an award for tolerating me, Robin gets it.  (Well, and everyone else.)  I did direct a few scenes when Robin couldn’t be around on certain locations, and it was fun…I had a good teacher…Robin.

Initially, because of the extremely low-budget, I figured I’d be doing most everything…because I don’t have to pay myself. And I wore so many hats that I’m surprised I didn’t break my neck. I mean, I made fucking sandwiches and dragged wardrobe and props and set up the scenes to save money, in between acting.  And I assumed I would be directing, because I had no choice…

BUT then Robin asked me “Who’s Directing?”

Linda: “Uhhh, I guess I am.”

Robin: “I’ll take a semester off of teaching at UCR and direct, if you want”.

Are you shitting me?!  Wow.  You’d do that for me? Well, he did it.  (Robin helped me edit my book, Who the F**K is Linda Chorney, which WHEN I SING is based on, thus, he was quite familiar with my story…and believed it was a good one to tell!) Not only did he make huge, personal sacrifices to direct the movie, but when we ran out of money, he received a grant from UCR, (which paid for my co-editor, Robert Murphy).  Of all of the projects he has done, Robin chose WHEN I SING to go for a grant.  Incredible. He saved me from breaking my neck, while I busted his balls.  It was a perfect match! And although we are, indeed, odd cousins, we are more like brother and sister, who fight, but love and respect each other, greatly.  (Thanks for marrying him, Sarah!)

When_I_Sing-Jan31-SET1-1024x640

(Robin and I having yet another discussion about a scene – while co-star, Maxwell Scott, playing the roll of “Scott”, hung in there. “Here they go again…”)

And WHEN I SING is our child.  (That sound’s really weird).  So, I don’t know if Robin is clinching his jaw as much as I am, mine,  but I do know he’s ready to hand out cigars next Sunday. February 25th!  If you happen to be in the Los Angeles area, come to the premiere! Meet Felix and Oscar on the red carpet, (guess which one I am?), and other stars of WHEN I SING, including Chris Mulkey and Marion Ramsey. See cast here!

When_I_Sing-Jan31-WaveLabs2

(Robin directing Evan Grae Davis, our DP, of live performance with Chris Mulkey and me.)

A tremendous thank you to University of California, Riverside. No one can hurt me, when I have money to pay the bills!  (For those of you unfamiliar with lyrics from title track, WHEN I SING, the chorus says “no one can hurt me when I sing.”)  Get it!?

Stay tuned for Part III!

 

14
Feb
18

HOLY SHIT! WHEN I SING WORLD PREMIERE!! Part ONE – I’m stepping up, Neil Portnow.

Stepping up?  Check! Making a movie about my fucked up story?  Check! Self-Absorbed squared?  Check!  Hardest thing I have ever accomplished in my life?  Check! Getting it done with A LOT of help from my friends?  Check!  Now I just need a check!

I know. I know.  No one gives a shit if I just spent my life’s savings to tell my life’s story…apparently, that’s nothing unique in the film world.  Will it pay off? Why did I do this?  It’s insane to go to the lengths I have in order to get the truth out about what happened to me as a result of my historical/hysterical Grammy nomination.  In short, it’s the artist’s ridiculous quest for validation.  Check!

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE!

WHEN I SINGFor those of you unfamiliar, I was the first truly independent artist to be nominated for Best Americana Album, in 2012, for my double album, Emotional Jukebox, which my stalker turned husband, forced me to submit for Grammy consideration.  Let’s just say that the industry didn’t welcome this 50 year old, life time road warrior female musician.  Would I not have gotten as much flack if I had a dick? Chick Check! 

The timing of the release of WHEN I SING couldn’t be better!  I have to thank Neil Portnow for his words.  “Women need to step up to win awards” .  I stepped up a virtual Mount Everest to try and reach the top of my career, and when I got nominated, I thought I was there. I was so naive that I thought The Recording Academy would actually invite me to sing on the show, since I was the first indie to achieve this.  But instead, they changed the rules to prevent the unknown underdogs, while capitalizing on my nomination publicly, dangling a carrot for more hopefuls to join as a member.  Neil Portnow’s quote about me in the Associated Press:  “It shows everybody has a shot,” Portnow said. “That really is the truth.”

Linda Chorney quote:  “Meh.”

I’ve organized a petition, working along side members, and we hope The Recording Academy can step up to a democracy again.  Then maybe more women (and Indies) will be nominated and win awards.

But now back to me! Please, if you are in the Los Angeles area, come to the World Premiere of WHEN I SING, on Sunday, February 25th, at The Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festival!

Get tickets here!!

Make sure you scroll down to WHEN I SING at 8:15 show!  We are finalists for PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARD! Come early (7:15) and pose on the carpet with some of our cast, including Chris Mulkey, Marion Ramsey, Miles Anderson, Kiki Ebsen, Mari Nobre, Eli Panero…and the chick in the corner!

In PART TWO – I’ll boast about all of our incredible cast and crew!

**p.s. I hate the photo they used of me in AP article that went to 100 countries. The photographer was great…and had better shots.  (This issue is actually a scene in the movie!)

 

 

 

13
Feb
15

OVER FIFTY SHADES OF RED

I found the book on a plane. I read it. I thought the two leading characters were fucking idiots. Yet, I read on, hoping there would be some explanation for the popularity of this trash. There was not.

However, it has inspired me to write my version, where the woman is the billionaire, and the subservient role is played by an equally stupid ass clown. It won’t be difficult to improve upon the original. Enjoy my Valentines gift to the world…

OVER FIFTY SHADES OF RED

Chapter 1

PANCAKES

I was in my limo driving cross-country because I was bored. I spoke through the intercom to my driver, Harvey.

“I have to pee. Pull over at the next exit.”

There, was an ihop, in Hayes, Kansas. I entered. The inner goddess in me wanting chocolate chip pancakes so badly that I ordered some, before I went to pee. Buttermilk, no powdered sugar. Extra chips. Not too much butter, but enough for lubrication. I texted Harvey to bring in my platinum to go box. I hate styrofoam. And I hate waiting even more than I hate styrofoam. Hopefully the pancakes will be ready by the time I finish peeing, so I don’t have to wait. Billionaires hate waiting.

I have had to stop and pee at least sixty times since leaving New Jersey. I suspect that I have a urinary tract infection from shoving so many kitchen utensils up my twat.

As I strolled by many fat fucks barely fitting into the blue booths, I glimpsed into the kitchen area behind the metal shelves. Ooh. That metal makes me so hot. I felt my vagina twitch as it reminded me of the metal shelves in my playroom.

There, in the kitchen, I spotted the most beautiful, pure creature in a white puffy hat. My left eyebrow  uncontrollably raised. He was blond, blue-eyes, bluer than the blue of the naugahide upholstery of the ihop booths. I hate fake leather. But blue is my second favorite color. No, wait. I like green better than blue, so, it’s my third favorite color. Red is my favorite color. My limo is red. My lipstick is red. My nails are painted red. I like red because it reminds me of when I had my period. I no longer get it. I’m fifty-two.

As I was peeing, I couldn’t stop thinking about the blond in the white puffy hat. My pee was orange. A really beautiful shade of orange, from the pyridium I was taking for my burning urine. I was thinking on Friday, I might have Chang Quan paint my nails the same shade of orange for a change. As a billionaire, I can have my nails painted every day.

 As I wiped my aging lips, they spoke to me.

“I must have that boy in the white puffy hat! Bring him to me.”

I pulled up my crotchless pantyhose, that were opaque white, but now they had spots of orange on them, because I don’t like to sit when I pee in any public bathrooms.

“Double crap!” I said out loud, angrily, in the stall, because this was the eighteenth pair of opaque white pantyhose I had ruined by my orange pee on this trip. Luckily I have another sixteen pairs in my red limo. That should last me until Colorado, where I plan to ski. I have a mansion in Aspen. Its brown. But I plan on painting it red as soon as I can get approval from the town. I hope my urinary track infection is better by then. Sometimes I have to pee when I am heliskiing. One time I skied into the woods to pee. I pulled down my one of a kind Bognor ski suit I had made at Gorsuch, that was red and crotchless. Anyway, as I was peeing, an avalanche started. I was still peeing, but I had to go before I would be burried alive! The avalanche came too fast. (Like the last nineteen year old carnival worker I picked up waiting in line on the Jersey Shore, to go on the Round-up ride.) I was burried, head first, red ski boots up in the air. I could feel ice on my pubic hair, which I dye red. Fortunately, there was a trail of my orange pee, which led the rescue team right to me. A Saint Bernard licked my exposed crotch. It was so hot, it melted the icecles from my pussy.

I left the ladies room, after washing my hands with my own personal red soap I keep in my Red Gucci crocodile tote, that I picked up for forty-one thousand dollars. As I turned the corner, there he was.

He said, “Excuse me, Ma’am,” as he tried to get by. He was so hot. I could see his tongue, which reminded me of the Saint Bernard. I heard my lips below screaming to get him in the limo.

“What’s your hurry, handsome?” He blushed my favorite shade of red.

“Umm, I, I, have to pee.”

“YOU CAN WAIT!” I said with authority.

I put my arm out to block the entrance of the Men’s Room.

“Do you know how attractive you are?” I asked.

He put his head down, bashfully. I love bashful boys.

“Look at me, bashful boy,” I said softly.

He looked up with his sparkly blue eyes, completely lost in my green eyes. I tried red contact lenses, but they looked creepy. My eyes are actually brown, but I have a bunch of green contact lenses in the limo. I can’t wait to strap bashful down and plunk them into his eyes as he plunks into me.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said to bashful boy.

“But…but…” I interrupt by putting my index finger over his lips to quiet him. I hope it doesn’t smell fishy. I thought I washed my hands well enough.

I take him by the hand, dragging him out of the ihop. Harvey had the platinum to go box of pancakes. It was a whirlwind of excitement I could never have imagined would happen in Kansas. I love driving through Kansas, because it reminds me of The Wizard of Oz, and Dorothy’s ruby red slippers. Oooh. Those shoes made me so hot, that I purchased them at Sotherby’s auction for ten million dollars. But it was getting to the point where I couldn’t leave the playroom anymore, where I wore them. They were too small for my size 9 foot. My damn feet keep growing. So, I have temporarily loaned them to The Smithsonian, until I get my feet operated on, so they can fit me.

As I threw Bashful Boy into the trunk of the limo, I noticed a stench. The poor boy had peed in his pants, since I didn’t allow him to go to the bathroom. I laughed hysterically. How adorable!

After stopping one more time to pee at a rest stop on i70, we arrived at my ranch, which I built where they filmed the tornado scene in The Wizard of Oz. Besides the slippers, I am also a fan, because I like to wiz. Harvey opened the trunk, where bashful boy had been banging on the door for the last eighty miles. He looked pretty confused. It was so cute!

I removed the red duct tape from his perty mouth and ordered him to join me in the ranch. I opened up the platinum to go box of pancakes. They. Were. Cold.

I was so angry that I turned a deep shade of red. “Crap! The pancakes are cold!”

I went into the kitchen and threw my entire Le Crueset red set of cookery on the floor, stomping my feet. I was so mad also, because I had purchased the entire collection at the Outlet Store on i10 in Palm Springs, on a previous cross-country search for the perfect piece of ass, and then had found it for half the price in a Home Goods in Boise, Idaho. Even billionaires like a bargain every once in a while.

“Bashful Boy, its time to make some pancakes. Are you ready?”

“Uhhh, I..I, guess so. Do you really think I’m handsome?”

“Ooooh, you are so hot, you have no idea. Actually, do you have any ideas in that pretty blond head of yours? No matter. Its time to bite into hotcakes.”

I cracked an egg on his forehead and added it to the Trader Joe’s Buttermilk pancake mix I had Fedexed to Kansas from Shrewsbury, New Jersey. These hicks out here in Kansas only use Bisquick. I hate Bisquick. And the box is yellow. I hate yellow. I do like Aunt Jemima though, because the box is a bright red. The Trader Joe’s box is more of a Burgundy, but that counts as a shade of red; plus no preservatives.

I had Harvey take off Bashful Boy’s cloths and scrub him down, while I put all of the ingredients into the red overpriced Le Crueset bowl. Once he was clean, I dismissed Harvey, instructing him to leave the red duct tape. We were alone. Just me and what’s his face, and the pancake ingredients, and my set of red Le Crueset.

I took out a whisk. “Do you know what I am going to do with this whisk, bashful boy?”

He gulps, “No.”

Bend over, I said, as I put a red apron on his rock hard chiseled body. I gently stuck the thin whisk up his ass, after using a little of the whipped butter for lubrication, and placed the red bowl of Trader Joe’s buttermilk pancake mix on the floor. I started with small girth.

“Now whisk Away!….faster…..faster! And make sure that white puffy hat stays on. It’s so sexy.”

His ass was churning round and round like that Round-up ride in Jersey. It was hot.

He finished mixing to make the batter as smooth as the skin on his hairless chest. I took two chocolate chips and tried to place them on his nipples, but they kept falling down. Crap! I made him eat them off of the floor. I hate wasting.

As he was down there, I placed my left hand, gently under his balls and started tickling his taint, while plunking green contact lenses in his blue eyes with my right hand at the same time! So erotic. His erection put the kickstand on my red bike to shame.

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about, hotcakes!”

I grabbed the roll of red duct tape, and took my red spatula with the thick handle, and taped it to his throbbing hard cock. I was dripping like the photo of the syrup on the Aunt Jemima pancake box. Yummy.

“Now, you have to flip the pancakes using this spatula. If you lose your boner, you won’t be able to flip them, and I will get angry. You don’t want me to get angry, because if I do…I might have to take you into the playroom and punish you.”

“Uhh, if you keep talking like that, I might lose my erection, Ma’am.”

“My name is not Ma’am. It’s Matwatsonfire. Named after my Great Grandmother from Botswana. She was the first white woman to fuck an elephant. You will keep your erection. You are young enough. How old are you, anyway?”

“I’m 25, Ma’a…”

WHACK! She takes the whisk that is still in his ass, quickly removes it, and spanks his hotcake cheeks.

“It’s Matwatsonfire. Now don’t drop any pancakes, you gorgeous blond orangutan. You are just perfect. There is nothing more perfect than this dyslexic relationship. I, 52, you 25.”

“You are fifty-two?! You don’t look it. You’re hot. I want you.”

“In due time. In due time, bashful boy.”

“But my name is…”

“Shhh! Don’t spoil it.”

I take his dripping syrup dick dispenser and lick it to keep my human spatula efficiently stiff for flipping.

But, just as I was lifting up, he went to flip a pancake and it fell on the floor, as he blew his load. I laughed inside, but pretended I was angry, and ripped the duct tape from his penis, stuck the red spatula in his perfect butthole, and then lovingly dragged him by the red apron around his neck, towards the playroom.

I wonder if all billionaires are this romantic?

This portion of my blog is sponsored by Pancakes in Red Boxes and Orange pee.

aunt jemima

 joes

22
Aug
14

REVISITING MICHAEL MOORE’S “FARENHEIT 9/11” INSOMNIA

Last night I watched Michael Moore’s “Farenheit 9/11” for the second time. The only advantage of getting older is that I forget many details of films, so I can almost enjoy it like the first viewing. Well, I wouldn’t say I enjoyed this film. And I do remember not enjoying it the first time. It was very upsetting.

After a sleepless night, I decided to do a little research and fact checking as much as is available. According to the Chicago Tribune,, the facts are pretty accurate.

According to a report by David Kopel, whom I mistook for Ted Koppel, this morning…(another sign of aging), thinking it was valid, wasting my time, as he shows some alleged deceits in the film.

I proceeded to read many more Moore dissecting fact reviews. Even FOX! Sure, Michael took a few dramatic liberties, but the FACTS about the reasons we went to war in Iraq, being based on lies, cannot be disputed.

The fact that we were attacked after being warned, cannot be disputed.

The fact that Halliburton profiting greatly by war, and having a major connection to Dick Cheney, cannot be disputed.

The fact that there were no weapons of mass distraction, yet the Bush Administration stated they had 100% proof that Iraq had them, cannot be disputed.

The fact that many innocent people, children, women, men, were “the price of war,” cannot be disputed.

The footage of the carnage in the film cannot be disputed.

I had to cover my eyes, but too late. I broke down and cried during the film. Little children with their faces being stitched up, screaming. Dead children in the back of a truck. Dead soldiers scorched and displayed. Showing a beheading from a far.

WAR IS TOTALLY FUCKED UP.

I was angry. Angry at the Bush Administration. Yes, I do not trust what their intentions were. For that matter, I do not trust The Obama Administration for remaining at war. Last night I posted on Facebook “I’m watching “Farenheit 9/11. Haven’t seen it since it opened. I am crying. Bush Administration was pure evil and greed.” And of course that caused the Conservatives to chime in and call bullshit on the film.

The bottom no bullshit line is, we had no reason to attack Iraq. Yet we did. Ya know, I actually don’t like using the word, “we”. We, the people, didn’t decide to attack, the President and his cronies did. Why don’t we the people get a vote when it comes to going to war?

And to clarify, I love my country. I hate war. I support our soldiers coming home safely, and wish them no harm. But I also wish no harm to innocent bystanders in any part of the world.

I am disgusted with the latest horrifying beheading of an American journalist, James Foley, at the hand of ISIS. I cannot bring myself to watch the film. My heart goes out to his family.

My heart also goes out to all of those suffering in Iraq, and Africa, and wherever. And closer to home, the victims and families of 9/11.

Everly life and death is of equal value. (Accept for Bin Ladin, Hitler, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, and anyone who dropped THE BOMB on innocent people. hehem.)

What bothers me, is that I think many Americans generalize the deaths in other countries. “Price of War”…”Nuke ’em”.

And if some country came over here and bombed us, killing our relatives, we’d be pretty pissed. Oh yeah, that did happen, but it wasn’t a country, it was a few individual assholes. It wasn’t Iraq. It wasn’t Afghanistan. It wasn’t Saudi Arabia, although the majority of the hijackers were Saudis.

And now the newest assholes are ISIS. Ironically, allegedly trained by the U.S. Government! (Speaking of assholes), WHAT THE FUCK?

What do we do? This country loves war. But I don’t. And I know lots of other folks that don’t. Can’t we just take out the assholes?

And although a lot of people think Michael Moore is an asshole, I would like to invite him to be a member of my very own little, non-violent organization, IBIS. (Integrity, Balls, and Intelligence Society.) I think he is a brave motherfucker. I just read his book, “Here Comes Trouble”. Did you know that he had numerous death threats after he made his acceptance speech at the Oscars for “Bowling for Columbine?” He made the dreadful mistake of saying, “Shame on you Mr. Bush.”

After seeing Fahrenheit 9/11 again, having insomnia as a result of watching, and fact checking, as best I could, I can’t disagree with Michael Moore’s statement. And I hope our country figures out a way to take out these monsters in Iraq, without harming the innocent people of Iraq, and our troops.

But what is more impossible to ask? What the fuck is the real story?

ISIS1

 

19
Apr
14

MONSANTO, “Killing us Softly” with their poison. Boycott the scumbags.

Today is the first day to my healthier life. GMO’s have scared the crap out of me, now that I know more. The problem is, most of us do not. We don’t understand how the shit Monsanto is putting in OUR food is “killing us softly”. But they do. And they profit.

And so does our government, yet they don’t seem motivated to do a fucking thing about it. Perhaps some do, but those with louder wallets, are able to hush the harsh reality.

Bottom line:  Below are the companies that use Monsanto GMO products. I will no longer use their products, although it will be difficult to give up some of my favorite addictions. (Like Kellogg Frosted Flakes) Sorry Tony. We’ve had some wonderful times, but you’re not so Grrrrrreat anymore. Me and my banana will miss you, terribly. They put shit on your tank.

 

The list reproduced above purportedly details a wealth of food-related companies or brands supposedly owned by Monsanto, the multinational agricultural biotechnology corporation. In fact, Monsanto doesn’t own the listed companies; this item appears to be an attempt to compile a list of companies selling food items that make use of products developed by Monsanto (such as artificial sweeteners or agricultural products derived from genetically engineered seed). 

 

BOYCOTT

BOYCOTT

 

Yikes! That’s just about everything in my pantry. Spring cleaning. What really sucks is that avoiding these companies’ products will cost a shitload of money in groceries. They attract us with “deals”. Sugar Pops for $1.99? I slay that special. Buy them by the six-pack. One of my favorite go-to snacks on the couch is my beloved cereal from the box. I even put it in one of my albums!! No kidding!

Lyrics to "Living Alone": "Eating Cereal from a box without a care."

Lyrics to “Living Alone”:
“Eating Cereal from a box without a care.”

 

That’s right. It’s even in my lyrics to the song I broke the top 40 with, 14 years ago, when cereal was cereal! On my “Racing with Reality” CD. Above is a page from the insert.

How ironic are my lyrics?  Eating cereal from a box without a care….?!!

I care now. I have to. Everything has changed. (Like that huge TV I am watching. No flat screen? Just flat boobs.)

In that particular photo, I am eating Golden Grahams. My fav! (I’m hanging my head for a moment of silence, as I give them up.)

Damn you Koch Brothers! (Imagine me saying that like Charlton Heston did, when he discovered that “They finally did it”. (Planet of the Apes is one of my favorite all time movies that I can watch on my couch eating cereal. AHHHHHHH!)

"They finally did it. DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

“They finally did it. DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!”

But this will snap me out of my remorse:

 

These are actual rats that have been fed the corn they use in cereal chalked with 12 essential vitamins and minerals?  No. Choked with GMO’s that will give you fucking cancer.

Look at these poor animals!

The results of GMO's on RATS! (I know who the real rats are)

The results of GMO’s on RATS! (I know who the real rats are)

 

Anyway, how can we mere mortals have a voice against the evil empire of our country? We have to stick together. We have to be educated. (So please do share this?)

Right now in Washington, they are voting whether or not these scumbags need to even tell us what they are putting in the food they sell us!

And I bet they will get their way.

 

I am starting my own little revolution. I hope you join me. Let’s boycott the motherfuckers. Cash in your stock now, if you own any in the companies above. Stop buying from those companies. And I am sorry for all of those employed by the Evil Empire. Maybe if we force our “Corporations” to produce healthier food, the costs will go down at Whole Foods, where my eyeballs pop out of my head when the bill comes for a small bag of groceries. And you can get a job at a competitive healthy company.

This is no joke, folks. I wish it were. I want my cereal!

But I don’t want my Lucky Charms to have it’s newest marshmallow shaped like a tumor. They’re magically suspicious.

And that photo of Chuck might not be so far fetched for our future.

02
Mar
14

If GRAVITY wins Oscar for Best Picture, my eyeballs will roll in outer space.

This year there were numerous brilliant films. Gravity was not one of them. Sure the visual effects were incredible and groundbreaking, and it is certainly worthy of an Oscar for them. However, was it a “Best Picture?” Hell no. Was Sandra Bullock great in it? Hell yes. But the dialogue, and the far-fetched back story, mother losing child in space thing, well…I was bored out of my mind, and felt robbed of my $13.50 when I left the theatre…so this little thief snuck into The Book Thief afterwards, and that was a better film, and story.

In my humble opinion, a Best Picture should be about the story. Yeah, yeah, we all got to experience imagining being alone in outer space…but they dropped the ball with character development and story line, and dialogue. The ball just floated around without gravity.

This year it is extremely difficult to pick a Best Picture. Between Dallas Buyers Club, American Hustle, Nebraska, 12 Years a Slave, and Captain Phillips, how can you choose? What do 4 out of 5 of them have in common? They are all based on true stories. I prefer reading non-fiction as well. When it really happens, I just think it’s cooler. (And I didn’t manage to see Philomena, also based on a true story, but I hear it is wonderful. But guessing it is not a contender for political reasons.)

And although Wolf of Wall Street was also based on a true story, it belongs in Best Picture as much as Gravity…and Her for that matter. Her was very creative, Joaquin was amazing. and it made me think, for sure, about relationships. But I believe The Butler, should have been in there. And I don’t understand why it was omitted. It was epic. I cried my eyes out. The cast was strong. Forest Whitaker was snubbed for Best Actor. And I could watch it again.

A Best Picture, for me, is one you can watch once a year and just go, “Wow!” every time.  Like Forrest Gump.

So, let’s start with front runner, 12 Years A Slave. The film was hard to watch. I actually had to cover my eyes at times. (as much as I did seeing the high wasted pants in Her.) Brutal.  It was gripping. The cinematography was gorgeous. The story was mind-wrenching.  I left angry and sad. I cried in the parking lot. It was a story in history that needed to be told, in form of a film. (Since most Americans don’t read enough…including me.) It needed to be graphic to be effective. Most of the acting was superb. But not all. And once was enough for me. So, although I think it may get Best Picture, because Brad Pitt produced it, and has many relationships for votes…it didn’t get mine.

Dallas Buyers Club is certainly worthy of a Best Picture. Mathew McConaughey will most likely win Best Actor. It was his role of a lifetime. Jared Leto should win Best Supporting Actor. And as Best Screenplay it is a contender. And if Captain Phillips and American Hustle were not in the running, it would get my vote.

Yes, I am torn between Captain Phillips and American Hustle. To me, I left the theatre with that Wow Factor. I could buy these films, and watch every year.  I’m actually surprised that Tom Hanks was not nominated for Best Actor. And although Barkhad Abdi was superb, I don’t think he will win for Best Supporting Actor.

Superstar Cast. No weak links. Clever, fun movie.

The Superstar Cast. No weak links. Clever, fun movie.

So let’s move on to Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Every single nomination is worthy on that list. But for me, Jared Leto stands above the rest.

Yikes

Yikes

But who lost more weight?!

Double Yikes

Double Yikes

Best Supporting Actress Role. Very tough category.

Forget Julia, the film sucked. Sally Hawkins was good…Jennifer Lawrence is on fire on the screen, and in Hollywood right now. She has an amazing long term future, and will rack up several Oscars in her lifetime. But I have to say, June Squibb and Lupita Nyong’o get a tie with me. But only one can win. So, I think Lupita or Jennifer will get it. (And she deserves it, too.)

Best Actor? They all deserve to win…with the exception of Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, I know he’s been robbed before, but that’s no reason to nominated him for a way over the top film that could have been much better, without the cheap, gratuitous approach.

Christian Bale was fucking brilliant. Bruce Dern was superb. I wouldn’t mind seeing him win. Chiwetel was powerful, and Matthew McConaughey went above and beyond for his role.  He’s going to win, but Christian Bale gets my vote. (And Tom Hanks would have taken it, if he was even nominated.)

Best Actress?

Meryl and Sandra, I love you…but the films? Eh Shmeh. Emma Thompson got robbed. Judi Dench, didn’t see it yet, but you have a shitload of nominations, and one Oscar win, and you are probably not popular enough this year. Amy was great. And although Blue Jasmine was an okay film…Cate Blanchett was the film. A film that could have been much better, based on the scenario. Thus, forget screenplay win. But Cate has my vote, and I think she will win. If Sandra wins, it will be strictly political, not that there was anything wrong with her performance. If Amy wins, I won’t be surprised.

And now for Best Screenplay. Another toughy. To be able to translate a long book into a tiny movie with only 90-120 minutes to effectively relay a story…that takes skill! (I know. I am working on the screenplay for my book, Who the F**K is Linda Chorney, besides being a wanna be movie critic?)

Best Screenplay:

Another toughy, although Blue Jasmine is out in my book. disappointed in Woody on the dialogue. Thought it was forced and contrived. Her, pretty weird, pretty good, but American Hustle, Nebraska, and Dallas Buyers Club are all top-notch. Who will win? American Hustle. Who would I pick? I don’t know. Have the Oscars ever had ties?

Best Director?

Another toughy. Forget Wall St and Gravity. Although American Hustle would get my vote, I think 12 Years a Slave will win.

Best Editing?

Toughy….but definetely not Gravity. That editor should be fired…or maybe commended for doing his best with tons of footage without content. I would pick Captain Phillips. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. But maybe American Hustle will win.

Best Documentary?

I ony saw 20 Feet from Stardom, which was very good, and near and dear to my heart and career, (lead cast member, Lisa Fischer is my friend), but I’ve seen documentaries that stop me in my tracks…so although I am rooting for 20 Feet, I am sure one of the other four is stronger. But 20 Feet might just win, because of the relationships in the music world. But I could be off base. But I predict The Square, just from seeing a few brief clips! I must see that film.

Star of 20 Feet From Stardom, and me, 20 thousand light years from Stardom

Star of 20 Feet From Stardom, Lisa Fischer –  and me, 20 thousand light years from Stardom

Best Foreign Film. I’m embarrassed to say that I have not seen any of them, yet, and they are always superb. Usually anything about the Holocaust wins. So since it doesn’t look like any of them are about that, I’ll go with whatever Palestine did…Omar.

Best Costume Design?

I’ll go with 12 Years A Slave, but I loved the costumes in American Hustle!

Best Original Score?  Whatever it is…it’s fixed by the labels. I’m guessing John Williams has enough…Gravity will win. Nebraska should have been nominated..and win.

Best Special Effects?

GRAVITY. Totally worthy of this award. But if it wins best picture…refer to the title of my blog. And it should also win any sound stuff.

In summary, I have to admit that I always get excited about watching the Oscars! Really. Excited. And I never get excited about watching the Grammys. The Grammy Telecast seems like an ametuer act compared to the Oscars, which are always a class act. And I LOVE the fashion! Nominees in the Oscars are usually very worthy. Grammys? Not so much. But both are politically driven. Let’s hope some of my picks win!

IN SUMMARY: (And remember, it is a huge honor just to be nominated..(tee hee)…it was almost impossible for me to choose the very best ones this year.

LINDA’S PICK                                                                              LINDA’S PREDICTIONS

Best Picture: Captain Phillips & American Hustle       12 Years A Slave

Best Actor: Christian Bale…okay..and Matthew           Matthew McConaughey

Best Actress: Cate Blanchett                                                 Cate Blanchett

Best Supporting Actress:  Lupita & Squibb                    Jennifer Lawrence

Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto                                     Jared Leto

Best Director: American Hustle                                           12 Years A Slave

Best Editing: Captain Phillips                                               Captain Phillips

Best Screenplay: American Hustle                                      American Hustle

Best Original Score, whatever

Best Costume: American Hustle                                        12 Years A Slave..or maybe American Hustle (I’m not betting, so I can pick 2)

Best Documentary: 20 Feet From Stardom                  The Square

Best Foreign Film: Omar                                                        Omar

Best Visual Effects/Sound: Gravity                                   Gravity

What are your picks?!!!




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