PART VI – FAMILY, LOVE, HEALING
Saturday, December 6. The closets are empty. What we didn’t keep, we gave to charity. Mom wanted to donate her clothing to those women less fortunate. She was a very compassionate person. A very loving person. The best mother anyone could hope for.
So what do I do with this anger? The frustration of a fucked-up system? The idiocy of a puritan society of arrogant fools, blocking logical laws from being passed?
And how do I get this vision out of my head? My mom looking into my eyes in terror in her final moments of consciousness? Feeling her emotional anguish? How do I make it go away? How do I let go of, we could have done it better?
I see a shrink. That’s how.
I made an appointment with a very wise, calm woman I am proud to call my shrink.
I told her the entire story.
When I was done recalling each chapter, sometimes hysterically crying, (like about the ending, the sobbing at my mothers feet in the hospital, and thinking about how afraid she was to lie flat and die, so she had to sleep sitting up for 3 weeks), she asked me a few questions.
Do you blame yourself? No.
You were there the entire time. Were you there for her when she needed you? Yes.
Did your mother believe you were there helping and loving her? Yes.
Did your mother think you would ever try to harm her? No.
Does death have pain? Not after, but during, sometimes, unless you can die peacefully.
Does giving birth have pain? I haven’t given birth, but I am sure it does.
Does life have pain? Yes.
I looked up and said, I get it. There is pain in life. It’s part of life.
So, although my mom suffered in the end, she had experienced much pain in her life, as we all do. And now I am at peace. Now she is at peace. Will I still cry because I miss my mother. Yes. Time to take care of Dad now. Time to heal with my family who I love with all of my heart.
I wish everyone peace this year. Go love and appreciate your family.