13
Dec
13

SHOULD I HAVE STUCK MY SCHLONG SONG IN THE RACE, and withdrawn WHEN I SING?

Now that I am safely not in the Grammys this year, I can resurrect the Schlong Song, just in time for the holidays! After my nomination a couple of years ago, I didn’t have the balls to keep it up. It was there when the nod was announced, and apparently seen by some of the gatekeepers, which I though was hilarious. But, against my better judgement, I got soft, and took it down. It has not been up since.

People are multifaceted. I can be serious when I have to be, and silly when I want to be. Umm, I guess this would be a prime example of my sillier side.

THE STORY, which is included in my book, “Who the F**K is Linda Chorney,” goes a lil’ something like this…

WHO THE F**K IS LINDA CHORNEY

   Chapter 122

The Wizard of Schlong

“To rise or not to rise”, that is the question. I told Jerry Butler all about my uplifting video, and asked him, “Should I resurrect the Schlong Song” after the Grammys?

Time to hop on the Schlongondola for more time travel! Jersey Shore, 2010. Tolls on me. (Please feel free to sing along with Mungo Jerry and me…In the summer time when the weather is high…accompanied by the sound of crashing waves and seagulls.)

It was a beautiful Sunday morning, two summers ago. Scott and I were lounging around in bed, and we were having some discussion. About what, I can’t recall. But I do remember responding in a rather masculine manner. I think I got dealt a few too many male chromosomes.

So Scott responded to me in his toughest Jersey accent, “Hey, why don’t you put your dick back in your pants.” And I thought to myself, “Hmm. If I only had a schlong…”

Scott went downstairs to drink his morning double espresso. I remained in bed, grabbed a pencil, and wrote down these words, with the tune from “If I Only Had A Brainin mind.

Ta-dah!  How’s that for Americana? Like apple pie with a banana stuck in it.

The same afternoon I wrote it, I performed it in Asbury Park at a great venue called Mattison Park. I would play on Sundays, après beach, outdoors. It actually was one of my favorite gigs. I could do what I wanted, uncensored.

I say most humbly, the audience laughed pretty hard. We got it on video, and put it up on YouTube. The Rock Doc saw it, and said, “We have to make a real video of this, Linda!”

And so, we did. I dressed up like the Scarecrow, and we brought a few of the props. Two newly purchased dildos, a basket, and a mini-scarecrow. Now this was NOT a dirty video. It is simply about the advantages of having a penis, versus a vagina. That’s it. (Well, and about spanking it whenever possible).

Scott and Jonathan assisted in the studio as the dildo tossers. From scene to scene, they would throw the dildos to me, and I would attempt to catch them. (I actually have a pretty good glove!) But these were bare handed catches, and I missed a few. We were rolling on the floor laughing during the filming.

Roc Dock dropped quite a load of dough on this. He is nuts! In a great way. We posted the video, and it spread pretty quickly. Some guys know every word. And apparently, they gathered in male bonding sessions, and played it over and over and over again. I received lots of fan mail!

And if you got the humor, which many did, though some did not, you would know it was not a dirty song. It was honest and silly.

Fast forward to a week after the filming of the video…

The Rock Doc got into a car accident. He was fine, but the car was not. It was towed into the shop.

When the Rock Doc went to pick it up a week later, he sensed a pretty inhospitable vibe in the garage. The guys were looking at him kind of funny. Rock Doc had inadvertently left the “props” in the back, and they had been seen! Scott and I were rolling on the floor after he told us! I am still laughing now remembering him sharing the tale!

He had said to the mechanics, “Uh, they are just props used in a video.”

Jonathan said enthusiastically with fear and laughter, “You should have seen the look on their faces…they didn’t believe me. I just embarrassingly did the drive of shame.”

I sort of feel like I am compromising my integrity by taking it down. Like I am selling out. Like I am letting my adorable schlong down.

Heck, on the boardwalk in Asbury, to date, Scott and I have been walking around, and people have come up to me, pointing, and saying, “Hey! It’s the Wizard of Schlong lady!  I love that song!” That’s Grammy Nominated Schlong Lady, to you, thank you.

I guess I would rather be recognized from a show, or at the red carpet, but hey, I’ll take the schlong. It was bringing joy to many folks. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

I’m not sure it brought as much joy to select members of the AMA. I was told that allegedly the president viewed it, while looking into who I was, on the night of the nod. “Woops.” I laughed at the thought of his shock! Maybe that’s why Snidley Whiplash did a 180 on me the next morning! Hmmm.

I really am tempted to launch it the day after the Grammys. Not out of any disrespect to NARAS, but because I think it would be funny.

But Jerry Butler said even though it is perfectly within the law to do a parody, I could still have to deal with a lawsuit. He said, you’d win in court, but it could cost tons in legal fees. Since I am not rich, I am hesitant to blow that load on the “Schlong Song.” The decision is still up in the air.

(Join me in sad clown face….On second thought…Imagine my face like a very sad penis after losing its’ boner, head hanging down. Tear dripping from one eye. Boo hoo.)

SAD PENIS

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

PART II

I know there are many judgemental, short-sighted people out there. It’s really sad. Let’s take Pee Wee Herman for example. I LOVED PEE WEE’S PLAYHOUSE! Did kids love it? Yes.

Did adults love it even more? Yup!

Why? Besides it being very creative,  there was a lot of hilarious innuendo, but above the heads of the kiddies.  (Most of them, anyway.)COWBOY CURTIS AND PEE WEE

There is an episode when Cowboy Curtis and Pee Wee are on a camping trip, roasting hot dogs on a fire. Cowboy Curtis has charred his.Pee Wee says, “Wow, Cowboy Curtis, your wiener is big and black!”

And Curtis replies, “And yurs is small and pink!”

Hih. Larrrr.eeee. us!

No harm. No foul.

Then Paul Reubens gets caught spanking that weiner in a theatre. And his rep is ruined for the kiddies show.

But he was wearing a different hat! I’m not a fan of porn in public theatres, but who am I to judge? He wasn’t doing the kiddies show. And he wasn’t harming anyone..

SCHLONG BLOG

On Behalf of Pee Wee and I, I’d like to thank the Academy for this award.

PEE WEE IN JAIL Maybe Pee Wee and I can do a kids special, and I’ll go for Best Childrens  Album next year!

Advertisements

0 Responses to “SHOULD I HAVE STUCK MY SCHLONG SONG IN THE RACE, and withdrawn WHEN I SING?”



  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Linda Chorney


All things that are CHORNEY

Linda Chorney Twitter

Facebook Fan Page

Linda Chorney Schedule

December 2013
S M T W T F S
« Nov   Jan »
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031  

%d bloggers like this: