Men – O – Pause, for Labor Day.

Labor Day seems like an appropriate time to dedicate this blog to the love of my life…who has worked harder than I thought was humanly possible, and deserves to retire whenever her little heart desires…

Is it purely coincidental that the word Menopause contains the words Men and Pause?  And “O”?   I think not.

I have never read the “Vagina Monologues”.  So I hope my words are not too redundant.

In this dramatic stage of my life, I can only speak for myself.  The pausing has begun.  Men, my man, sex…not really interested. Boo. Hiss, hiss.

It sucks.  I feel like there should be a funeral.  I really LOVED sex.

Oh pause, men.   No room at the Inn.  It’s like one of those neon signs that once flashed so brightly, now down to it’s last flickering bulb.

My precious stud muffin is in a coma.  The plug soon to be pulled if she doesn’t make a miraculous come back.

Let me prepare the Eulogy, just in case.

(Read the first half with a church organ sound in the background of your mind.)

(Then in the second half, kick into your best Patton impersonation.   And imagine the humming of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic.)

We are all gathered here today to mourn the loss of my beloved, beautiful, closest friend.

She was always there when I needed her.

And for you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you…..

And you, and you, and you , and especially you

You all know who you are!

My dear, dear, sensitive friend.

Shedding tears for me when I needed you to cry, bawling even.

You were so drenched with emotion.

You stood by me when I was alone.

Through the ups and downs, the ins and outs.

The best little buddy I could have ever have asked for.

Through times of peace,

Through bloody battles.

You got me through many sticky situations.

Even when I said I couldn’t do it, you insisted!

You’d say to me, “Damn it, Linda!  Do it for the team!  Do it for Joe, for Dave, and the rest of the guys!

You were always there to carry the extra loads no matter how big.

You were quite the soldier.  

You deserve the Goddamn Purple Heart.  

Of course, you weren’t always tough.

In fact, sometimes you were a real pussy.

Occasionally you broke down,

but I never left your side.

Even when you felt like crawling inside of your little hole,

But what a trooper.

Even when you were sick and burning up, you still wanted to go, go, go!

You worked hard for me when I asked of you any task, hours upon hours of hard labor thrust upon you.

You worked so well with others.    You got the job done.

Even if you accidentally let things slip through the crack on rare occasion,

You saw things through the end.

You opened up for so many, regardless of their disposition, country, age, religion, skin color, size,  intellect, income, occupation, political party, or morals.

Even if someone was a complete asshole, you managed to love them in particular.

And I appreciated you backing off when I drew the line at that Tea Party member you wanted to screw when we were really drunk and desperate once.

I hope you know how much I loved you, even if I told you to shut your trap every once in a while.

But no matter how much shit I’d give you,

You never gave me any of your lip.

They should make you a fucking Saint.

I salute you.

I’m going to miss you terribly.  And we will all never forget how very giving you were.

But as Scotty said on Star Trek,

“I’ve given her all she’s got, but she just can’t take anymore!”

Bow your heads that once lifted so high for her, in a moment of silence…

…I’d like to thank all of you for coming.

Yet gone from this earth, I guarantee she will always remember you deep inside her.


1 Response to “Men – O – Pause, for Labor Day.”

  1. September 5, 2011 at 12:07 PM

    Well I’m not going to suffer Fem-o-pause. A few more years of frost flashes and I’ll be back to normal.

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Linda Chorney

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