“Are Big Dicks Overrated?” OR “Are Wedding Guests Relied Upon To Foot The Bill?”

Hmm. Too many thoughts in my head at 4:00 am. I’m obviously very excited about my new blog. So, which of the million subjects should I address today? Down to two! Dicks or Weddings? Dicks or Weddings? I’ll flip a coin! Heads – dicks, (naturally); tails – weddings. Stand by while I find a coin…

Dicks will have to wait until tomorrow. (They will wait for as long as it takes!) Tails it is.

I was on the phone a couple of days ago with a friend. I said, “$200 is a nice wedding gift, right?” She replied, “That’s a little on the cheap side”.

What?!!!! Seriously. I thought I was being generous! She continued to tell me that her wedding cost $150 a head. Is that average? That seems like an extravagant wedding. So, she continued to say that you should give at least the amount it costs per head, i.e., $300 dollars for a wedding gift. She continued, “The band is 5k, the flowers are another 5, and so is the photographer!”

First of all, is the objective of throwing a wedding to get back all of the money spent? Isn’t it supposed to be about inviting guests to share in the lovely celebration? Are we really supposed to pick up the tab of an over the top affair? And if so, do your wedded friends or relatives assume you can afford this? Do we pick and choose our friends based on what income bracket they are in so when the wedding comes they can take care of it? (Obviously none applicable, unfortunately for family, because the members that make less, somehow disappear when it comes to picking up that round of drinks.)

And while I’m at it, I don’t want to sound like a cheap skate, but when a group of friends go out for dinner, the bill is generally split up evenly, and I generally get screwed. First of all, I don’t drink that much. Booze and wine, are the biggest rip-offs when you go out. And then you always have the couple that orders soup to nuts. It drives me nuts! You know they do it on purpose. They know the tab is going to get diveeeed! Everyone knows folks like that…and you know who you are. It is obnoxious.

I know, I know, if you can’t afford it, you shouldn’t go out. But must we gather our friends based on similar incomes? And should we receive a spread sheet with broken down expenses, along with the over-done, waste of paper and stamps invitations for weddings? Why don’t they just include a bill?

And if so, can I please pick the band, and control the volume? Recently, I went to a wedding with the greatest, kick ass band! It made the wedding. The food was descent. But filet and fish, rarely come out perfectly cooked in these large functions. I’d hate to know how much the per plate cost was! You always feel for the father of the bride, shelling out such big bucks for guests who are secretly unimpressed with the chow. And then I went to another wedding where the music was so fucking loud that you could not hear the person right next to you at the table! Even during the over-priced, mediocre dinner hour!

Today’s blog would get too long if I started bitching about over-done Bar Mitzvahs and Sweet Sixteens’, and Graduations. It all comes down to excess. It should not be about the bells and whistles, it should be about fun and love. And if your friends look down at you for not throwing the Hoo-ha extravaganza of the century, or giving a gift large enough to compensate, they are not your real friends. And speaking of large, are friends with big dicks overrated? Stay tuned!


6 Responses to ““Are Big Dicks Overrated?” OR “Are Wedding Guests Relied Upon To Foot The Bill?””

  1. August 4, 2011 at 5:01 AM

    Phew, had to sign up to do this… Ok, its called a GIFT, its not called a contest, a bill, a requirement, its a GIFT… I would certainly not be going to your ‘200 dollars is on the cheaps side’ friends wedding and might be tempted to send condolences with a note, ‘sorry, I just can not figure out how much you spent on your wedding and hence have no idea how much to shell out for your big day, please send me all the bills so I can come up with an appropriate gift’ (thinking lump of coal anyway?)

    • August 4, 2011 at 10:15 AM

      Coal! What a great idea!!! It’s kind of diamond!?

  2. August 4, 2011 at 10:01 AM

    very funny! Glad Sammy posted the link on her wall! You bring up some very good points ! Im subscribing!

    • August 4, 2011 at 10:15 AM

      Hi Claudia! Psyched you can dig it. It will only get worse from here! Wait til you see tomorrow. Thanks for the kind words, and please spread it to those that may giggle.

  3. August 4, 2011 at 11:23 AM

    Wow, I never even *thought* of having the wedding guests pay for the wedding!! That’s truly awesome. Now I can afford a really BIG wedding for my daughter. Thanks for the tip!!

    Snark. WTF. Linda, your first mistake: Don’t ask (your friend if $200 is ok), don’t tell. If anyone thinks your gift is inappropriately small, they can always send the check back. This, I guess, is what passes for chutzpah in our society today: having the gall to ask your wedding guests to pay for the wedding. You know, maybe if wedding guests wouldn’t give the wedees such extravagant gift checks, maybe the weddings actually would be smaller and most intimate and more – oh, how do you say in english? – MEANINGFUL!!!! OMG, what a concept. Full of love and celebration, and not having the bride and groom look nervously over the room to see if the guests look like they will match up with the bills they have to pay. I dunno, it’s tricky, but could be worthwhile….

  4. 6 jkl912
    August 4, 2011 at 9:05 PM

    Your friend should be thankful that you’re willing to offer such a generous amount for a wedding gift! The money she spends (I’m quite sure from a male standpoint that the groom isn’t the one making the majority of the decisions, except, WHICH venue or WHICH of HIS friends he’s allowed to invite to the wedding, LOL!) If your female friend said that your gift was a little on the “cheap side”, she’s probably the same woman drinking all the expensive liquor and “div”ing” up the bill to her benefit. Those who take offense at my comments are very likely guilty of doing this. Don’t hate, you know you do it. I had a co-worker who ordered a $9.95 breakfast, a side of bacon, and an iced tea. He said that his bill was $9.95 and gave me a $10 bill. I proceeded to explain to him that he owed $17 total, for the side of bacon, his $2 drink, tax of 8.25% and a 15% tip. He was very quiet when I confronted him on it (he’s 6’5″ and 330#’s) and my other co-workers promptly supported and voiced their validation that I was correct, because I’m Chinese. (good with math ;)) Good luck with that “friend” of yours, LOL!!!

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Linda Chorney

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