01
Aug
11

BEFORE AND AFTER 50

P.S. – Meaning, PRE-SCRIPT!!  After reading this, so my intentions are not completely self-absorbed, perhaps you will be motivated to draw your own brain chart!   (Does a P.S. exist for Pre? Well, it should.)

BEFORE 50, my brain’s energy could be divided into very uneven quadrants consumed with the following:  (Picture one of those diagrams of a brain and I will color code it!)

50% Sex and Love, i.e., the male species.   ( This particular quadrant of energy was actually  shared with my heart and vagina…although the objective of this was to focus on the brain, oops.)  (And 50% of that time was spent being very lonely and empty.)  (With that being said, introducing the Corporation of Me. Otherwise known as COM.  The power is evenly distributed, and all decisions are made by my brain, vaj, and heart.)  Let’s color it RED!

20% Food.  (50% full – 50% empty)  EMERALD GREEN

10% Being Physically Active/Outdoors. SKY BLUE

8% Music.  DEEP PURPLE

.5 % Politics.  (That is POINT 5 %, just in case it was not noticed.  I couldn’t really give a shit.  I never even watched the news. It just depressed me.)  (Those thoughts were 100% empty, and liking it!)  GRAY.

1% Believing in God/Religion.  (Actually, that would be up until I was 25 years old – then it dropped to a big old goose egg.)  (Then that 1% was donated to the sex and love department)  Man, even in my brain, big corporations are taking over!)  Those who need it least, are getting the biggest breaks!)  PERIWINKLE BLUE.  (Haven’t heard that since I whipped out my last fresh smelling box of Crayola Crayons, 40 years ago!)

1% Timing my farts to make their debut funnier.   BROWN

.25% Anxious.  MAGENTA

4% My friends. LEMON YELLOW

4% My family. BRIGHT ORANGE

.25% Worrying how fucked up the world is.  BLACK

1% Nothing.  WHITE

My State of Mind during this period was humorous 70% of the time, and the rest pissed off.  And wanting to travel all the time.  And being depressed only when I was not getting laid.

AFTER 50

Sex and Love are no longer synonymous.  (Lowering my head for a moment of silence…R.I.P.)  (What a fucking bummer.  Now what do I do with all of this unused quadrant?…see below.)  And the Vagina is almost retired from the Corporation, but is still a majority stockholder.)

4% Sex.  BLAZEE BEIGE   (Empty but not lonely!)  (How the fuck do you spell “blah-zay?”  I thought it was with an accent mark, and one “e”, but my keyboard doesn’t supply that!)  )  (Ya see, this is where my brain goes now, thinking about stupid accent marks, instead of getting laid!)

25% Love.   BURGUNDY

20% Food.  (Steady as she goes…and gains.)  EMERALD GREEN

24% Bitching about politics and how fucked up the world is, and how fucked up Religion is, and being anxious about it all.   (Now all synonymous)    THE UGLY COLOR YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX EVERY PAINT COLOR TOGETHER

3.5% My Friends. BANANA YELLOW

.5% My friends that I don’t even know on Facebook. GAY BLUE

7% My Family. SALMON

Physically Active and Outdoors are no longer synonymous, either.

3% Physically Active.  (I am way fucking lazier…if I am motivated, I end up pulling a muscle, and then I have to recover for a week!)  RUST

8% Outdoors/Nature.  SKY BLUE

2% Music.  DEEP PURPLE

1% Timing my farts to make their debut funnier.  BROWN

1% Trying to control my farts to avoid embarrassment.  BABY PINK

0% Nothing.  WHITE

1% Wishing that Nothing was at least 1% again  LILAC

My State of Mind during this period has now dwindled to being humorous 30%, pissed of 10%, and the rest not giving a shit, while being depressed, even when getting laid.

Now grab your Crayola Box and start coloring!  (If you are under 50 – improvise.)

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Linda Chorney


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